(#)(*)fªllen in luv-_+

2012-02-08T22:46:00.003+08:00

I feel so stupid.

I think its the red wine again.

Naha, lol trying to be sophisticated with red wine.

Nah.. Just have this sleeping problem.. and

and what else not..

lol

Wah sian.

I know imma miss these poly years,

but right now?..

..I just really wanna break free from the shackles.

One last one Friday.

One last time before the next season of my life begins..

2012-02-05T20:31:00.002+08:00

Happy advanced valentines day everybodeh!

Just wanna let you know its okay if you're single!

Frankly i never managed to see what the big deal is if you're single and valentines day approaches.

Maybe the significance intensifies with age,

but FRET NOT!

Because one of these days you won't be #foreveralone!

HEHE.

No time to do valentines day goodies for friends like i did before in secondary school,

nope, poly has managed to swallow my time DOWN.

Anw, on this imported festival, i hope you guys get to spend it with someone you love/like/admire.

Who says you'll be alone?

There has to be someone you love in your life!

YOUR MOM!

YOUR DAD!

YOUR FRIENDS!

CHILLY <3

2012-02-01T18:54:00.001+08:00

How beautiful it would be,

eventually. :)

2012-01-26T23:01:00.002+08:00

HAPPY CNY!

Even if you're down and about,

even if your boyfriend dumped you yesterday,

even if life seems so meaningless,

even if you have to bring a laptop and be home lame early after bainian (6pm???) because you have too many school projects,

even so in so,

even on and on,

GONG XI FA DA CAI! :D

Heh,

This year's CNY didn't feel like CNY to me cos i didn't get to stay at my relatives all night long playing mahjong, BUT, I shall be thankful for everything.

And not only the angbaos!

Hehe. Okay thanks goofynights!

2012-01-19T23:05:00.004+08:00

Article: http://vigilantcitizen.com/musicbusiness/doda-and-vintage-bringing-the-illuminati-agenda-to-eastern-europe-pop/

You guys seriously need to read this article man.

Been following vigilant citizen for a long time because I believe too many ridiculous things like lady gaga going about promoting blasphemy in her videos, cannot be just coincidences or a new tactic to create an interesting persona in the name of today's media industry.

I'm not saying I totally 100% get my facts from this guy, but I know what I know enough.

God has enlightened me and showed me in too many ways that preparation needs to be done,

and He needs to prepare me, prepare us because He did warn us in the bible.

I know this is gonna sound cheesy and whut-the-hell-you-actually-believe-in-this-Illuminati-shit.

I don't believe that it is necessarily the what you called, the Illuminati behind it, but i believe Anti-Christ will come in the form of a man so alluring and convincing that they will steal your heart when they finally appear.. Many will fall, because it is, already said.

“The beast, which you saw, once was, now is not, and will come up out of the Abyss and go to his destruction. The inhabitants of the earth whose names have not been written in the book of life from the creation of the world will be astonished when they see the beast, because he once was, now is not, and yet will come.”
- Revelation 17:8 (NIV)
***
I know i should be revising but damn, NO MOOD.
I also know I have touched on a pretty sensitive topic, but I believe it's only sensitive and tabooish to you now when you hear because the booming message that Christ will come, and the difficulties before He comes, have not been included in your typical breezy Christian messages you hear more often than so. You hear how salvation is free, how God loves you no matter what, how God forgives you as long as you repent, how easy and beautiful it is all going to be. But I got news for you, and you prolly know if you have been walking in Christ for a while, doesn't matter if you backslide or whatever, I'm sure we all know this, He will be back. And before He does come back, the road won't be easy especially for us. Sigh.. I can't believe I might just actually live long enough to see His coming, I say might because it's just something I have been trying to confirm with God for a while, plus begging Him that I won't have to be there, lol, not cos I don't want to meet Him, but because I am a prissy primadonna(?) who is inept at tolerance for pain and torture. I don't want to be a part of that man :/
Seriously I don't know if anyone thinks of this kinda things more than I do. If you do, I would love to have you as a friend man, then I can know I'm not being overly paranoid just once in a while (even though deep down I know I'm not lah). I just need comfort that I'm not alone whenever I see some music videos screaming blasphemy, or see more crazy things in the news like people killing their babies and girls selling their bodies online. The evil and warped wrongs that are now considered norms, sometimes gets me thinking, ALOT.
SIAN. I know you think I'm crazy :(
But I still occasionally listen to songs with suspicious lyrics and MVs. Except for Judas. I just listened to it today after quite long cos the lyrics and MV really seriously the heck. I believe we just need a sense of what is going on in the world now, pray for God to reveal to us so that we won't fall for the world's pokerface.
I thank God for everything I have received or rather assured of on 14 Jan. Oh yeah! I got confirmed on 14 Jan by my church :)))
Honestly I don't know if there is a right church for everyone, so with me as well, but I am just going to comply because I can see Him leading me somewhere. Didn't mean for this post to look so gloom but......
somethings we need to remember lah. Don't see salvation and everything else through a kaleidoscope, all the pretty and polished images at the end.
It is not gonna be easy, so are you with Him? :)

2012-01-19T21:13:00.003+08:00

MY LITTLE RED SHOES ARE HERE!

Heh! Okay back to revision! :D

2012-01-10T23:10:00.003+08:00

ANNOYED ANNOYED EEEEHHH-NOYYYYHH-ED!

Im ANNOYED!

Just because we don't bake you cookies for Christmas or take the really nice initiative to take random pictures with you and post it all over facebook,

DOESN'T MAKE US PRIMA DONNAS!

LOL! Okay my blog codes doesn't let me make the PRIMA DONNA BIGGER, so there ya go.

I would have if i could, trust me.

WAH LAU.

Okay im not pissing in my pants angry or anything lah, for goodness sake.

Just thought about this when i was relaxing my brain from some tiny research work, and man i forgot how EHH-NOOYYHH-ED i was when i heard it today.

Meh. What makes us prima donnas seriously?

I am guessing this perception is not based on the recent no-reply-to-a-mass-text hoopla.

Which explains why im kinda on a shrugs shoulders attitude.

There might be more yet to be revealed reasons.

Well, I can only say it is true..

Any form of effort to get to know people/lecturers is important.

Otherwise they start thinking you are prima donnas when all you're trying to do is focus on surviving your massive the-hell-is-this-what-i-want-to-do? / did-i-do-the-right-thing poly years.

Some people make the effort to build rapports,

some people like me, well, don't.

Hmm, i don't care.

People who generally don't know me, already assume i have that prima donna aura, so it's okay.

But as a class?? That is something new really.

Nah.

Too many comments about this till I really shall have no comment.

Silence can be a bomb.

Because sometimes what is left unsaid says it the biggest.

2012-01-03T18:33:00.006+08:00

And yet I'm still saying the same old thing over and over again.

Alot of times i realize guys cannot digest long messages,

which often contain alot of pain to pen out and important information and words.

At the end of the day you tell them why and they still dont get it..

And then they come back with the same thing to hit you in the face again in the future.

Why is it so hard to convey feelings in the form of words to a guy?

***

You were a fool if you think all there was to it was the cheating.

Sometimes I feel so wronged.

Alot of unseen things nobody knows and I automatically become

'the-girlfriend-who-didn't-give-a-damn-who-never-did-a-thing'

'the-girl-who-asked-for-everything-including-paid-meals-and-treats'

Maybe i don't hear it often from people.

But I'm sure i didn't leave a good picture just because the much you know me is the size of a pea.

I cannot stand falsehood. I dunno how much i can emphasize that.

I don't like lies. I don't like false rumors about me.

Maybe i didn't care as much,

maybe i wasn't the girl who would bring soup over when you're sick,

maybe i am not the girl who would buy you expensive gifts or be ready to 'put out' in exchange for the lack of it,

or maybe i can't be the girl who isn't afraid to hug you in school when you're with your friends,

shout out during your matches,

knit you a sweater for christmas,

be able to be there for sleepovers and go overseas with you.

Maybe i'm not all of that

Maybe our relationship was never that fantastic

and you felt you never got to gain much out of it.

or maybe it was, i dunno.

I am not even going to go to your bad points,

hell i didn't even say a thing to no one then.

The point is if you were whining inside and thinking, geez, why didn't i get all the care and comfort from this relationship, why can't she show she CARES about me.

Everytime you come to this thought,

please rewind WAYYYYYY back to the start,

the part where it broke down and we almost nv got a chance to start,

the part where you lied and lied and lied about SO MANY factors of your life,

**your involvement in a gang, your fake resulted injuries in the middle of the night due to some fight, your pseudo characters on msn who would chat me up and tell me abt you, your kidnap incident? (was so stupid to believe), the part where you lied abt someone from some gang smashing the flowerpots at your doorstep cos you were late for our date, the time when you faked a concussion and pretended to have typing difficulties on msn?**

Yes, i remember every of it.

Because during all those moments, i forked out REAL EMOTIONS to CARE FOR YOU, and EMPATHIZE with you.

And when the lies all came down,

I choose to forget it all and say,

hey, lets start anew.

I wiped your tears of remorse away and held you by the hand.

And so began our first step of this relationship, whether for good or bad i really cannot decide.

So everytime you think i was never able to care for you,

please track back and remember all these moments where i thought what you said was real,

when i could have possibility cried and prayed endless prayers for you,

where my worries went unseen,

where i went crazy CARING IF YOU WERE SAFE (when you prolly were dotaing at home)

where my burdens went untold because i didnt want others to think any less of you.

Remember all these efforts went UNSEEN

but it didnt mean they weren't there.

Remember all these efforts were there,

and try to piece tgt why i find it hard to care for you like a proper girlfriend should anymore because of your constant lying before.

Remember i used all i had to worry, to care for you BEFORE, only to be told

'Man you got punked'

How do you suggest i could carry on pretend all that never affected me at all?

Sure i gave us a chance, i gave you a chance, (and you messed it up again)

but all these cannot be wiped clean.

You cannot say it never happened

You cannot say i should never have let it affect me,

never have let it stood in the way of me caring for you like other girlfriends do.

Other girlfriends didn't deal with this shit,

other girlfriends didn't deal with you.

Manipulative you.

You agreed so yourself...

It was hard,

you were a hard puzzle

too much a time, it felt like a game and i sometimes wonder in between if you still lied to me.

So much for the worrying, it eventually came true.

I know this post is a lil much and im not coming in hatred,

don't misunderstand. I didn't even plan to blog so early next to the previous post.

I'm coming in a wronged spirit, a shattered heart, I just really need to rant.

This boy still don't understand what i mean.

People still think i was crap at being a person, right?

I know, my friend, you'll say,

"why care what other people say, ni zi kai xin jiu hao"

Just feel so broken now that i need to blog lah...

This too shall pass i know.

wo kai xin jiu hao.. :)

2012-01-03T00:37:00.002+08:00

~~I was a dreamer before you went and let me down~~

I was a dreamer before you and I let me down..

White horse said to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.

But at the very least she found it out the hard way.

It wasn't meant like this to be meant-to-be.

A gift of love should be given wholly and without any catch.

purely without any ill intend.

For,

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13

2011-12-26T22:42:00.004+08:00

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” - Proverbs 4:23

It is no use when there is no point.

It is no point when there is no use.

OH WELL :)

2011-12-21T23:41:00.003+08:00

Trying stay.

Stay put together and not fall apart.

Not be heartbroken, not be dismayed, be happier, or just not go backwards.

Everything just became so clear.

But it is just too hard.

It was me and me against the world for too long.

But i promise,

when You reach out that hand and present me the opportunity, i will.

I will take a leap of faith and finally pour out.

I will let You in.

I will hand You all this burden

every build up on my heart will crumple down because You call for me to

Let go.

2011-12-08T16:06:00.003+08:00

The thing is that cheaters never know about the emotional trauma and anguish in a single mistake. They really never know the extend of it till they get cheated on one fine day.

Unbelievable. The thoughts that swim through the person's mind.

Was it really on the note of a moment's folly?

Or was it something more?

To what extend would it be a folly?

Were hugs and kisses involved?

Because they are the most intimate forms and expressions of love that should only exist between two people in love.

If it was only physical, with the absence of connection, communication, then a folly it would have been. It would have been no different to a husband looking for a prostitute outside. Right? Which brings it to the only reason. Lust.

Okay, i gotta catch a break, that's why i decided to blog.

Gotta head back to Damien's essay AHHH..

But really, what do you guys think? :)

2011-12-06T22:36:00.003+08:00

Yes i have trust issues. Because of someone else's mistake, I'm never the same again.

2011-11-27T00:50:00.002+08:00

After my cousin's wedding yesterday, i just felt so envious.

Maybe it's because of the lost of a certain degree of hope in love after emerging from a failed, betrayed relationship.

Look, i'm not crazy about marriage,

but im certain i want to be married one fine day.

No matter how my mum paints marriage to be no easy piece of cake or how much pain i have been led to go through to come out refined in Him.

I think it's every girl's unspoken dream really,

yes, even if they're a slut.

Very girl wants to be treasured, and showed to the world of how much someone treasures them, on all the glory of that one special day.

I don't know about guys,

but i am beginning to understand what it means i guess, to be well, a guy.

Somehow or another stuff like the above mentioned don't seem very appealing to guys initially, till they reach an age of maturity and need to settle down.

So i guess i can "understand" why they feel there's a need to play the field and not get tied down in a relationship.

Not saying that is good though, neither am i saying all girls are not players,

I am just painting a general picture.

Yeah, so, i wish to get married one day,

i really do.

I think everyone will want to some day lor.

Who wants to be alone forever or forever drifting in between different arms/beds.

Right?

Yeah. Don't really know why i brought this up.

HEHE,

Haven't done Jacob's elearning.

DIE LIAO. D:

2011-11-21T16:06:00.003+08:00

Stay with me, baby stay with me, Tonight don’t leave me alone. Walk with me, come and walk with me, To the edge of all we’ve ever known. I can see you there with the city lights, Fourteenth floor, pale blue eyes. I can breathe you in. Two shadows standing by the bedroom door, No, I could not want you more than I did right then, As our heads leaned in.

Stay with me, baby stay with me, Tonight don’t leave me alone. She shows me everything she used to know, Picture frames and country roads, When the days were long and the world was small. She stood by as it fell apart, Separate rooms and broken hearts, But I won’t be the one to let you go.

Oh, I’m not sure what this is gonna be, But with my eyes closed all I see Is the skyline, through the window, The moon above you and the streets below. Hold my breath as you’re moving in, Taste your lips and feel your skin. When the time comes, baby don’t run, just kiss me slowly.

Don’t run away… And it’s hard to love again, When the only way it’s been, When the only love you know, Just walked away… If it’s something that you want, Darling you don’t have to run, You don’t have to go … Just stay with me, baby stay with me,

Well, I’m not sure what this is gonna be, But with my eyes closed all I see Is the skyline, through the window, The moon above you and the streets below. Hold my breath as you’re moving in, Taste your lips and feel your skin. When the time comes, baby don’t run, just kiss me slowly. Oh, I’m not sure what this is gonna go, But in this moment all I know Is the skyline, through the window, The moon above you and the streets below. Hold my breath as you’re moving in, Taste your lips and feel your skin. When the time comes, baby don’t run, just kiss me slowly.

2011-11-17T19:36:00.006+08:00

Decided to take some time to reflect a bit on today's bible study session right here in my blog!

Still got my WISP essay to complete, but i shall have time i believe!

Anyways, today's bible study session with Jan, we went out of the discipleship book again, and this time for wayyyyyy too long. HAHA. Hopefully it is spirit led and not just mad action of getting carried away.

Either way it was still enriching cos we got to discussing about the book of Jesus, yep, Revelation.

Basically we discussed on chapter 18, also titled The fall of Babylon in NIV Bible.

I think we got to that when we were touching on global issues of today's society, what society deems as norms, what society seems to be coveting today(power, the obsessive climb upwards), and then we reflected on chapter 18 and how all these are linked to where we are heading to today.

Before today right, i never looked at the chapter parallel to where we seem to be heading to in today's political system and modern times. Almost like idol worship of things of this world don't you think? The worship and adoration of attaining more and more power and money that we become blind-sided. As the title suggests, it concludes the downfall of Babylon, the downfall that will follow of worshiping power and money and whatever sin. I think it was a real shaker, this chapter.

In the past i didn't know that things like money can be an object of idolatry. Lol. I don't really study scripture lah last time. Anw in Matt 6:24, it is also stated that,

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

Revelation is seriously the scariest book on earth.

Revelation 2:10

"Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown."

Revelation 12:11

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death"

When i was going through these verses with Jan and talking about the sufferings of the last days (and how we both don't wanna be around when that happens lol), she mentioned Martyrdom at some point and seriously i was O.O. Not to say i never saw it coming as a possibility in the final times, but like who wants to be martyred seriously. If given a choice i rather have my death early than to witness all the suffering sia. Lol, i was like nooo, im too young to think of martyrdom. xD

Anw, to comfort all who ever thought deep and envisioned a possible scenario where you have to of die for your faith, here is a little comfort to take away with in this verse (thanks Jan)

Matthew 10:28

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell"

This is just a short self reflection on my part for today's BSS. Not trying to preach or cause the wrong interpretation of info (hopefully not)

Read Revelation chapter 18 and reflect if you have time and/or are interested to know more.

Who knows what else the Spirit can reveal to you :)

2011-11-11T22:02:00.002+08:00

Satan loves isolation. He wants to draw the believer out of healthy relationships into isolated relationships and out of healthy practices into secret, unhealthy practices. He purposely drives us away from those who might openly recognize his seduction and call his hand on it. Let's beware of anything that separates us from Godly people.

Source: specialagentofthelamb

2011-11-08T20:17:00.001+08:00

True thing, true love.

2011-11-07T15:19:00.008+08:00

And never forget that. :)

Just caught paranormal activity 3 on Saturday.

Not very scary leh.

Did not realize it has been nearly 3 months since. So weird huh.

Sigh, regardless, without God's grace i would not be standing strong still, so yeah, He is close to the brokenhearted :)

The days may not be the happiest still, but at least i can give thanks for it is bearable for the time being.

A big thank you to those who helped me thru my toughest moment in life, whether you were directly or indirectly involved. :)

Very in love with my current blog song, Happily Never After by Nicole Scherzinger. It was originally done by backstreet boys. Check it out alrighty.

Loves & BYE! :D

2011-10-28T23:04:00.000+08:00

2011-10-23T21:09:00.003+08:00

I remember you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead..

2011-10-16T17:29:00.001+08:00

Listen up people. :)

2011-10-14T23:33:00.001+08:00

Never ignore a person that loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

2011-10-12T18:24:00.013+08:00

My last week before term starts and i am not happy :(

Really sianjipoh.

Such a downer.

It is like secondary school all over again.

I mean that period where things were rough and i just wished i could graduate fast.

Yep.

Watched friends alot this week.

We have collected the entire set!! :D
Season 1 - Season 10

I cannot stand watching on the stupid websites and downloading huge files is a scary activity to me.

Hehe.

Anyway, was watching this episode yesterday.

Ross couldn't decide whether to break up with Judy and get with Rachel, so Chandler suggested coming up with a list of both girl's pros and cons.

Anyway, the plan backfires and instead of drawing them together, they come back to square one.

Onto Judy..

***

SAD RIGHT.

All wrong timing and bad luck.

I think it is really mean when someone you love and trusted so much in, complains about your flaws to friends. I know i wouldn't do that. Unless i was treated unfairly than seriously, its my call on what i have to say about you altogether, you know what i mean??

I just think it's really disgusting and a little despicable.

But well, i guess there is a difference between people.

Some of us just don't make a list,

or at least we don't take that list and discuss it with outsiders.

It is just mean lah.

Her expression at "just a waitress" was heartbreaking that i nearly cried sia.

It is the look of pure disappointment that you drop someone, who meant the world to you.

Almost like the moment you uncovered a heartbreaking truth.

Yep. Sad.

ANW, i just realized that someone uploaded the exact shots of this episode here,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLeRXUcMCdI.

Go watch if you're free ladies and gentlemen.

Feel like eating my favorite Hershey's Chocolate again!

Had 3 already.

Fei si wo. Sigh.

Bye!

2011-10-08T21:50:00.004+08:00

Hey hey.

So it is a Saturday.

And just like every Saturday, the highlight of the day would be church.

Sigh.

Okay so anyway, been having awesome bible study sessions with Jan every Thursday.

Every single session was fulfilling.

Really thank God for His grace and mercy,

as said in today's sermon,

He turns our mistakes into something beautiful.

Been wondering lately,

about the influences of today's media.

Hollywood, music videos etc etc.

It is just so influential lor.

Somehow or another, they propel us to steer towards a certain song/entertainer and fixate on it,

like an idol.

I love love songs.

But i realize that love songs these days place too much emphasis on finding love.

Chasing after the perfect person,

creating this false facade about love that makes us wanna put all our hope in it,

and nothing else.

Don't really know why.

After this mistake right,

I seem to come to an understanding that love isn't everything,

even though i still fight the urge to dream about it.

It's difficult lor.

Cuz i was always this dreamer.

Dreaming i was living out a Taylor Swift song,

or would be soon.

Realized things on earth can only give you so much comfort and gratification in achieving it, for a short time.

But..

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

So nice huh. :)

Been having swinging moments where i feel low again and start forgetting what to do.

But every time i feel like crap i refer to the bible and pray lika crazy for comfort.

Hopefully things will turn out for the better when i go back to school.

Sian, i don't wanna stop bible study.

Every time i do bible study, i feel comforted as i read thru the bible verses.

Alot of things i have been doing wrongly,

now im gonna try my best to do them right.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself . Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34

Promised pictures of my nails!

Hehe. Naise right. I love them. :D

The board at the back also veh nice right.

It's my own painted board for my studs.

Full picture of my pretty board, and face!

I even painted the inside of the frame red cos im that free lady.

Looks empty huh.

I didn't know i got more dangles than studs.

Didn't put my "chanels" studs on the board cos i was afraid they'll tarnish or sth. lol.

Heh.

And oh! The pic above is all my buys from bugis for 90 bucks.

3 tops 3 bottoms and a bag and a dangle, AGAIN.

SIAN. I also nv wear dangles much these days lor.

Haha. But well, sometimes with rotten luck, you need retail therapy to get over the lumpy road.

Yeah. Talk about paying for someone else's mistake, literally.

But God was so kind to bless me with enough to spare.

Must think i really need it cos right after the shopping right,

i got home to 2 ang baos from my grand and uncle for sth.

Lol.

The Lord humors.

Sianjipoh.

In 2 weeks time i'll be having school blues.

Lord please humor me with good company who will genuinely want me as i would want them.

Please let school be enjoyable, if not passable.

Please introduce some incredible people in my life like you did before when disaster hit me so close where i am now.

As a cushion, as a comfort, as a friend.

Thank you for this week.

In Jesus most precious name I pray,

Amen.

2011-10-02T23:52:00.003+08:00

You really left me in deep shit.

Certainly not ankle deep.

I think it's not gonna go away.

It one of those after effects of breaking a hip or a leg.

That line of crack will always be there and haunt you with rheumatism or whatever crap ailments that develops from it.

You know what is the biggest joke?

The abuser gets to walk away from it.

So anyway, story number two.

Came across this girl's blog whom i barely knew.

She's not someone i know personally, or have been directly involved in any part of my life.

News flash, and I can safely assume she's pregnant.

From the looks of it, she's not getting an abortion,

her life seems pretty sad lah,

tbh

just from reading her blog.

Of course I felt so much more fortunate yadayadaya.

But then BAM,

I realized the one with the cheeseballs, the one with the other hand to clap, was gonna get away scott free.

I don't know about responsibility money wise because well, lets face it, there's only so much you can get out of a blog right guys?

ANYWAY,

They're breaking up, by the looks of it even though she's pregnant,

And then it hit me like that baseball that smashed my head in secondary school.

So this is it huh?

Guys really can don't give a cocktail about ANYTHING.

All you with the cheeseballs gotta do is act like you're not in on this thing.

This thing, whatever it was that you caused.

A heartbreak, a baby, a life,

basically the aftermath of a disaster.

You people don't care do you??

Not at all.

It's all, hey she's dispensable, she's be alright after this, what she doesn't know wont hurt her right? If i can get away with it why not? It's not like i have to do ANYTHING even if whatever i have OPPSY as DAISIES done, been thrown into the light.

Right?

Cheeseballs. Its all about you.

Evidently it is cheeseballs who think they own cheeseballs can go around collecting their jar of hearts.

Their cheeseballs friends got their back.

All they got to do, is basically don't give a sailing hoot about a thing

and then put those feelings on display,

for added measure

just to make things clear.

That i don't care, so girl you might as well not ruin your make up with tears and make it OKAY again, on YOUR OWN, with the best medicine you have!

You have TIME!
Hey, you can make it work!

And i'll just go on carrying my cheeseballs to another life cuz NEWFLASH one more time anddddd..

I just think life would be easier if i was the one with cheeseballs instead.

So tough being a girl these days, all day, everyday.

Harder and harder to outwit guys and come out the smart girl in a relationship.

It is like we can never win.

Because we naturally have so much more at stake..

Agreed.

***

So, story number 3

Okay, so everybody thinks i'm this strong girl, which i agree.

Not the strongest, but definitely not the weak stupid desperate kind.

Downside to this is that the care and empathy don't never long with people.

So just a month back, i got scoffed indirectly by my uncle who thought i should have move the crap on by now, and i agree.

I did. But you know what the root of the problem is?

Is that i don't know the root of the problem!

I can, and am over it period.

But the pain it just keeps coming like the after effects of a broken hip.

You get that?

There are moments when i don't know what the heck is on,

cos i was sure as bananas that i am fine already,

but then i start getting bombarded by ALOT of emotions.

A majority of these emotions did not arise from the sole heartbreak of that event.

It's like all my worse memories of my entire life start jotting me to remember them.

Like they want a little time to do a lil encore skit.

It is literally the unleashing of a horror movie from my life long movie.

Seriously. Like what??

How the heck am i supposed to deal with that?

And on top of pressure from people closest to me who expect that i should have already have no problem being back to me.

And that a backslide is voluntary or intended??

Seriously, a month long is long.

And im not offended by that comment already.

Just that moment i'll be like wtf only.

I know my loved ones love me lah.

They're my harshest critics sometimes.

Maybe that is why i turn out quite hardy.

And i expect people to love the critics i make on them simply because i genuinely care and don't want you to think your decision is correct, cos i don't! And i love you!

Quite hurtful when i make comments and people just think im being blunt and yadayadaya.

But well, thats me lor.

Hardy.

And if you don't know right,

i was a bully victim from a tender age in school.

So yes.

Hardy is where i am today.

Tired as a bulldozer.

Oh, and if you noticed all the cheeseballs and banana languages right,

i just invented those on the spot to replace inappropriate ruder words.

Trying to revert to using less rude words cos that was the me before all this crap came crashing down on me.

Every time crap comes down like torrents right,

I'll morph into this ugly foul beast.

Gotta stop being that,

and lastly gotta stop having crap in my life.

Painted my nails the pretty red with white polkadots!

Next post! :D

2011-09-30T22:52:00.002+08:00

Keep calm, love the peace, stay strong, hold the smiles, don't let go of hope, and

KEEP YOUR EYES ON GOD.

2011-09-30T22:49:00.000+08:00

2011-09-29T12:26:00.000+08:00

Terrible.

2011-09-25T15:51:00.003+08:00

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

2011-09-25T15:47:00.002+08:00

goodbye to 1 3 weeks long black shatter nails with green base.

I really liked them!

Next, red with white polka dots :D

2011-09-22T23:30:00.002+08:00

It's just sometimes I promise.

Most of the times I'll still want someone to understand.

Not so much at the listening phase now.

I wish the me 10 years from now was here with me.

She would be the best person because she would understand.

She would know what to say.

She would know the things i want to let tumble from my mind before a tear emerges.

Yeah.

She would.

***

You can’t touch me now there’s no feeling left
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath
What you did to me boy I can’t forget
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath

I was under your spell for such a long time couldn't break the chains
You played with my heart tore me apart with all your lies and games
It took all the strength I had but I crawled up on my feet again
Now you’re trying to lure me back but no those days are gone my friend
I loved you so much that I thought that someday you could change
But all you brought me was a heart full of pain

You can’t touch me now there’s no feeling left
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath
What you did to me boy I can’t forget
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath

Don’t hold your breath eh eh

I was worried about you but you never cared about me none
You took my money and I know that you, you could kill someone
I gave you everything but nothing was ever enough
You were always jealous over such crazy stuff

You can’t touch me now there’s no feeling left
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath

What you did to me boy I can’t forget
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath

Don’t hold your breath

Move on don’t look back
I jumped off a train running off the tracks
Your day is gone face the facts
A bad movie ends and the screen fades to black
What you did to me boy I can’t forget
If you think I’m coming back

You can’t touch me now there’s no feeling left
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath
What you did to me boy I can’t forget
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath

Don’t hold your breath

You can’t touch me now there’s no feeling left
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath
What you did to me boy I can’t forget
If you think I’m coming back don’t hold your breath

2011-09-21T00:02:00.005+08:00

I need a goal in life.

Very clearly because with a new goal, and some proactive action happening, I can stop fixating on things that were not meant to be with me. I need to, because I realized I'm just someone who just isn't destined to love and be loved by another external person. Like a soul mate.

It's just not for me lor. God really knows how to literally humor me. Highlight and remind me why I don't need someone who is not the best, at the same instance telling me I am not nearly there yet for the best He had in mind. It's like I've got to pass some kind of test again. I don't know. Like what the heck. Starting to feel I'm too good for some, but also too much of a failure for the good, the perhaps, better..

Seriously what's this about?

I don't understand You.

I'm not trying to be insolent or even resentful. Just earnestly don't know why this is so, and how I will get where You had me in mind.

Though I don't have a right to care anymore.

Not gonna be caring about the voices of my heart and just really sealing this me from whatever has the potential to wreak and speak.

I give all the rights to You.
I don't want anything to do with this deceitful heart of mine already, now that I know I'm actually at the hands of my own games..

Only You can clean this heart and lead it to desire good things. Greater things.

Have always been the relationships person.
I always love the idea of love.
It brings so much good and happiness.
But obviously its not something that I need right? You there?
I don't mind.
I know it's crazy to even think that everything about love will never work out for me in the future, but it's exactly the best I am getting out of this.

I look at people serving God who are single for a long time and wonder why.
Maybe I'm destined to be one of those people.
Maybe not serving God like them, but just following Him so closely and so focused in being in His image that a relationship with someone else won't be what I need eventually.
Maybe I'm one of those people.
Whom God has decided would be happier, all for my good that I remain like that with no one else beside me.
Maybe He really didn't have anyone in mind.
If that is the case, I'll have to be ready to accept that one day when everyone around be starts getting married and I'm still with me.
Accept that that was no one coming
That this was the plan He was talking about to me
And that I would be happiest like this.

Although marriage and love bring so much happiness in life, sometimes they're not meant for everyone..

Sad that the thing I want the most in life might not happen to me, but I rather accept it humbly than jump into a boat that wasnt built for my weight in the first place.

As I have learnt, staying in anything not meant for you will eventually hurt you so much.

Siannnn

If this is Your plan right, staying in solitude with You, then please prepare me for it at least okay?

After all, it is something I have been hoping for forever, and if there's a possibility it might not happen, please prepare me for it. Something to stand up from that is even better, and before I know it, it will be the last thing I think about because the then that you've built for me already, would be so much better.

Prepare me well okay?

For whatever it is to come.

The best to You for me.

Amen.

2011-09-18T22:01:00.005+08:00

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

There is more to this.

I shall seek You and be renewed.

Guide me.

2011-09-16T23:45:00.002+08:00

The Vine and the Branches

¹ “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

⁹ “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶ You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other.

Damn, I want to kneel down and cry literally.

Note to self:

1. Remain in Him as He also remains in You

2. He takes away what doesn't make you better, but gives you more of the things you need to become better

3. You cannot do this or anything for that matter if you don't stay close to him

4. Again, remember to remain in Him

5. Again, remain in Him and His words remain in you

6. Remain in His love

7. So that His joy shall be in you, and your joy will be complete

8. To love others as He has loved you

9. He chose you

10. For He has greater plans for you

11. Again, love one another

♥

2011-09-13T22:04:00.000+08:00

2011-09-11T23:41:00.004+08:00

Why does it hurt so much again?

Why did you have to call?

You did it intentionally right?

You couldn't stand that I was getting on fine, can't stand to see it all over fb.

Why can't you grow a conscience and search your heart?

You owe me this, you owe me everything.

It's starting to eat me up inside again.

I can't bear it.

How can you have no conscience to care about the pain you've caused on another, much less someone you once loved, or was I not at all that? Or is it that you can never have a conscience?

Wrote details of it in the previous post. I hope you people see what a liar he is. Ask me if you want the full story.

It isn't fair. It just isn't, no matter how I look at it.

I know I have to do it, but I can't ignore feeling ill treated and short changed.

All he's gonna do after I forgive him is come out of this new and proceed to make the bet out of the next part of his life, the next girl, the next new step ahead.

And all I'll be is the vessel that helped made that happen. Would I still be okay? How can I be so used to make another person realized his mistake and improve his own life??

What's going to happen to me next??

So what happens to this vessel when it's used??

I know I shouldn't think this way but continue to trust on the Lord and believe there is a plan.

But I can't feel more broken and hopeless from this.

How will this improve mine??

Where do I land in this picture.

Where is me???????!!

I really want to scream..

Aside from wearing my new glasses to look vain,

What else can I say?

That I think I look horrible from all the sobbing and I can't carry off my bare face without hiding the puffiness and dark lines under the shadows of my glasses??

No...

So many things you don't see me fighting.

Don't you dare point a finger at me and say "you thought I changed" or say I didn't try.

You least of anyone have that power on me anymore. No. Not your words. They should come to me with no authority, no hashness, and stripped of all tone and judgement.

You better remember.

When you had no one,

When everyone shunned you,

even that girl you met from maple that ran away at the sight of you,

even after all the lies and stories you told me,

even after all the promises you gave me,

even when you think you look too ugly,

i was still hanging on with you.

You better remember.

Cause when no one else did, i gave a fuck,

and you did this to me.

You don't have an idea how to mend it.

You keep breaking me open time and again.

Don't you dare talk to me like you don't owe me anything, ever again.

2011-09-09T23:38:00.005+08:00

Why did you have to make that call?

I don't know, it may be out of courtesy but all in all, i'll never know any more from the person i knew and picked up at the library steps.

What were you trying to do to me?

I was well, not fantastic, but getting along.

A description from a different outlook; Inside the wars of my head and struggles of my heart, i was gripping for all worth.

I'm not even going to go into acting skills.

It is just simply my nature that if i really don't want someone to know about how i truly feel, i will go all out to make sure they won't know.

Back to it.

I really don't know what it is supposed to mean.

We had this conversation before,

and i gather we take away with more understanding,

but there's a need to go through this here because im exploding inside from the revisited bitterness and the need to clarify before people, and you, start thinking i am ridiculous.

After all that has happened,

You continued to break 2 promises.

If not promises, they are, well, words that carried a weight and certain height of meaning i believe.

Unless you have been speaking in a native language of some kind.

Whether they were hastily made out of that moment of comfort to me, or if it was a random moment to go blah, they were still words, with meaning.

Felt helpless and disappointed when you don't see what i was trying to point to you.

All that was displayed ytd was your defending of your butt for words spoken too fast.

Things accounting to how they don't count or if i was "ignorant" to think along the lines that you do not agree, it was simply "up to me".

You fail to see that all that matters now,

and forever

for as long as all the damaged did will be remembered,

that my feelings and thoughts about all things, are all that will matter.

You really want to question how i can get hysterical?

Or inject exasperation in your tone?

Do you really see this unfolding if it had not been your wrong doing?

Can you see my in the state that was of ytd if you hadn't done no shit?

Can you?

No.

That is the answer.

You have to and need to remember.

All that i am now.

All that you are struggling to accept of me now, no matter how ridiculous it looks, is because of you.

You don't really have a say really.

Time to stop being stubborn and be really sorry.

Time to stop arguing with someone inflicted by pain you caused.

Time to hang your head low and show a bit more remorse.

I am not talking about all the attempts you have tried to get to me,

or the verses you share with me,

or how interested you are in my attempt to pick myself up (if even).

No.

Remorse is accepted by each individual in a different way

To me,

Remorse is showing sincerity through actions, not words.

I've heard enough of the lies before, therefore my ears cannot be prised open further to words.

Were you even listening when we were on talking terms?

I thought i made myself very clear.

And then..

"If it makes you uncomfortable then i wont do it"

So is this a comforting gesture, a assurance, or a promise?

What was i to make of these few statements that surfaced from your lips??

I know,

I sound ridiculous.

Your doing is not supposed to affect me.

If i wasn't a christian, maybe i won't be here droning on about this.

I would be wasting away,

and believe me, it would be alot easier.

But i can't.

I can't just do this.

There is something else to be done!

And it is easier said than done.

I can't abandon it because it was a command.

It is a struggle, but i have to do it one day some day.

Kill the thing in me.

I need to be more compassion.

I know.

There is every reason for me to hate because the sin that has been dealt to me by this other being is too much.

But He ask for me to turn in a different perspective.

I don't feel comfortable talking to people about my spiritual stuff.

Tends to make me leak round the corners of my eyes without me knowing.

How can anyone understand??

Eccentric? Dramatic, weird, hysterical, "throwing stunts".

Is that really all you can manage about me?

No one has an idea of what i am struggling with WITHIN.

Because i don't share

OKAY???

I really want to overcome myself and forgive a sinner who has sinned against me.

It is double the effort for someone like me because i am tougher in heart than the average being.

I can't even accept an apology without holding a grudge.

Maybe it is a childhood thing.

I don't know.

Maybe i just got up and became this today because i got too tired of being bullied by other people.

And then you went on to break 2 more promises,

is this making my task at hand harder or easier???

Already i feel like i am betraying myself by attempting the art of forgiveness

and you can't even go on to prove worthy.

I am sorry but i am not God.

We all inspire to be made in His image but we are NOT HIM.

I am not, therefore i cannot be gracious and kind and overlook these things that offend me and go on to work at the task because i am a sinner too.

I wasn't the one to die on the cross for you.

Therefore i can't love and forgive you unconditionally and not have a spike in me that says i am offended by certain things.

Things like breaking of a promise.

Nobody understands the inward struggle of another.

Unless they are given the key to enter.

It is like fighting yourself.

The outburst was because i already am struggling with the weight.

With what i disagree with God because of my unforgiving heart,

but i know i must cast aside.

I am listening, and really lah.

You know shit about it seriously..

If there was no hand holding me back, no Christ, i swear i would have beat the living hell out of you that day you and the troop decided to pay home visit that night and record a kickballs video at the void deck.

I know what i am like.

I know what i am capable of.

If i didn't try at all to listen,

i would have carried out my plan of revenge.

Which was interestingly planned out in the heat of the moment.

Very simple plan,

Get back with you, pump you up with emotions and hopes, than take it away along with your hard earned money.

Why do i have to put up with being lied into getting into a relationship with a guy who had lied his way to me?

To a guy who lied to me about his past.

How miserable it was.

How he was trapped in a gang fights.

How he made all the gang stuff up just to impress me (which it did not) and even at one point fake a kidnap like scenario that had me choking in tears praying when all the while he was playing maple (or dota etc)

Why would my revenge seem any less than a torture to the emotional distress you placed upon me when you spun all these stories FOR FUN, and than continue to display more failure by cheating on me after a second chance was given for you misdeeds the first time!

I was a fool.

But all this aside.

I need to fulfill my task.

To move closer to my goal.

To forget all this, to be renewed, to be better a person.

I am willing to go through all to forgive no matter how painful.

Just don't make it more difficult for me to reach it.

Make yourself worthwhile, for once.

Stop doing mistake after mistake especially since it was so obvious already.

The first promise you broke, i cannot accept it and refuse to talk to you because after talking you still carried it out anyway. You did not regard my feelings.

The second. It was a promise, or a whatever you called it, unless you mean to tell me now that i shouldn't have taken your word for it. If you say so, can i continue to take your word for anything?? You made that promise yourself. I DID NOT list it as a condition. IT WAS NOT ME who suggested you can't go. By making mention of it or suggesting, you were establishing something whether or not it is a promise to you or not.

If it was a mistake, it was an honest mistake on your part.

You should have been careful not to say things that don't mean it.

I know i will come to wake this morning as i have and realize,

damn i shouldn't have gone bonkers last night but i really cannot take it already.

What am i seeing?

God am i suppose to continue forgiving when i am offended by it??

All swimming in my head.

If i didn't make known,

I know i will smash myself inside and this mission to forgive gets further away because i will continue to hold a grudge if i don't address it.

Can't handle so many from one person at a go.

Can't see how being God would have been easy.

Who could He question for all the atrocities done by us, and we continue to conveniently ask for forgiveness.

Damn difficult.

Whatever promises broken affected me because i am still gripping with the last and most appalling mistake of yours.

I can't swallow so fast.

Don't be so quick to make mistakes and offences more..

It is making it harder for me to grip with the already difficult task.

Damn. Lengthy post.

Not everybody can get it and it might be offsetting for some with the religious talk.

But seriously lah,

like i said,

i'll smash if i don't address the need/s.

Can't sleep well again.
This and the recuring bitterness, unhappines I have been ignoring for so long all seems a waste.
All because of you.

2011-09-08T00:55:00.001+08:00

I can't breathe.
It's going backwards.

2011-09-07T15:32:00.001+08:00

2011-09-06T01:17:00.006+08:00

You can never be too sure about what happens.
You can only trust, yourself.

2011-09-03T22:50:00.002+08:00

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”^]

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:4-11

2011-09-03T22:42:00.001+08:00

2011-08-31T00:19:00.008+08:00

So, remember the time when you scoff at people with incomplete sets of the Harry Potter series of novels?

Lol. I could never understand how people tell me they have only 1 or2 copies of the series because it is just weird. Like for instance, if you wanna save money then you would just borrow all the books right? Why borrow some then buy a few.

Well. So here i am today with my copy of the Order of The Phoenix.

Yep, that's right, MY ONLY $20.28, COPY OF THE SERIES.

I have now ate my own words.

Heh. In normal circumstances, i would have waited it out to borrow from some one who has the next book, but this time i really cannot wait already.

Been hunting the library for it.

And the only SANS BOOKSHOP that rents books at JP is closed for good.

I cannot wait another second!

Not after such a good Goblet of Fire.

But also, how can i rest and wait and not be distracted with something else, right now?

Don't even talk to me about a job.

Been so messed up, and for too long, that looking for a job now seem so tiresome.

Anyway it was a good afternoon to myself.

Sat down at Mos burger after getting my book.

Was there for 3 hours just reading and having nuggets.

I love Mos's nuggets with mustard! :D

I also realize this kinda sessions with myself with a book with food and possibly, a drink too, are gonna be costly.

BOOHOO.

But whatever to keep me going steady.

That is all i care, for each day i take at a time.

Watching Mimic on channel 5.

Really old movie on man-eating bugs hiding in underground train stations.

Good movie though.

I like it.

00.09

Sad you only start to miss when you lose huh..?

2011-08-30T00:19:00.005+08:00

Yummy.

Tumblr makes me water :)

Anyways, totally randon, but Christina Grimmie is HAWT.

Love these 2 songs from her new album,

Liar Liar (my blog song! :D) & Unforgivable.

HAHAHAHA!

Random funny shit on Tumblr too x)

***

Finished Goblet of Fire.

Need to go out and find the next book tomorrow.

The distraction would be a welcome.

Need to buy more useless shit.

Need a dog/kitten.

Need to stop eating unnecessarily.

Need to keep trusting.

Need to stop highlighting lyrics in my head.

Need to bite into an arm and hold the bullshit on.

One more lyric for a title?

Guess it.

Christina did a cover too. :)

Sigh. God bless.

2011-08-28T20:06:00.001+08:00

OMG. OHVOLAH YOU'RE KILLING MEH.

http://ohvola.livejournal.com/79937.html#cutid1

MANNN. Wish i had cash for a son!

2011-08-27T00:09:00.002+08:00

I love this.

Galatians 6:1-9

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature , from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Don't you dare give up,

♥Yourself

2011-08-26T00:27:00.000+08:00

Why did you have to be so cruel...

2011-08-21T20:53:00.009+08:00

HELLO :D

DWELLINGS MENTALLY LEFT ME CONFUSED.
Start to miss have curly whirly hair.
I had my hair tied up really long in a bun,
so when i let it down, it cascaded in CURLS.
And i start to remember having curly hair,
but never this short,
and honestly curls with the length i have now looks pretty NAISE.
SIAN.
But i think i shall reserve the money to do a good dye job first.
I can do self curls, though they only last as long as i dont wash them. HAHA.

Next,

My black sky with glitter is fading/chipping already.
Shall move on to try this next :D

Found new comfort in Hershey's Creamy Milk Chocolate Nuggets.
I hope i don't get fat.
Been having cravings for KFC alot too.
Sigh, discipline :(

Had a terrible dream in the morning today.
It was horrible and so real.
Woke up crying, but without tears.
My sister stared at me across the table facing the bedroom which was wide open.
I starred back wondering if she could see me (because i didn't have glasses on).
I realized she could because she asked me if i was alright.
According to her, i snorted and widened my eyes wider and then shut them immediately, burying my face in the pillows and nodded off.
I did not nod off lah,
I was just embarrassed to be caught red handed by people making weird noises in my sleep. LOL.

While having a tiny bite of lunch,
watched this episode of America's Got Talent on TV.
And this old country singer came on to perform.
Her name is Reba Mcentire.
AND HER VOICE WAS AWESOME.
This latest song by her was good too.
I absolutely loved it to smithereens.
The live performance on AGT is here.
You can search up the actually MV of the song on youtube.
It's called Consider me gone.

I got the urge to spend alot recently.
Bags, clothes, shoes etc.
Bought a new pair of boots like sneakers.
Tops and some bottom.
And i love the stuff i got at Forever21. :D
ESPECIALLY THE MILITARY JACKET.
Though i thought it was quite expensive after shipping fees :(
Trying to find nice knuckle rings.
Saw some on ebay, thinking of getting them :/
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Studded-Steampunk-KNIGHT-Knuckle-Finger-RING-/260806906750?pt=Gemstone_Rings&hash=item3cb94d937e#ht_6267wt_952

http://www.ebay.com/itm/New-Gothic-Punk-Mens-Long-Armor-Knuckle-NANA-Ring-Size7-/330598673828?pt=Gemstone_Rings&hash=item4cf9376da4#ht_4140wt_1185

Material possessions can only go so far,
and they are not everything.
But see what i mean? Meh,
I just want to keep shopping and shopping. :(
Need a good pair of jeans too, and some denim shorts becos the ones at home are getting washed out of size. lol.

Okay goodbye folks. :)

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you always shuttin' down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence, you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear, we're at a crossroads here...

Chorus:
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you I've always been wide open, like a window or an ocean. There is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me...

Chorus:
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh.

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we're done, let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

Consider me gone

Reba McEntire

2011-08-17T22:00:00.001+08:00

Yes how is this even possible???

Right.

For the inhumane.

2011-08-16T23:30:00.002+08:00

Unrequited love shall only remain in our books..

It was the most romantic and beautiful part of love among all the HP movies lor i feel.

The kissing scenes don't even compare to this.

Reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone now.

A nice distraction from the life now. :)

***

Oblivate: A spell used in Harry Potter to erase memories..

Would want those..

2011-08-15T01:03:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought I am done with the tears..

2011-08-14T21:07:00.002+08:00

Have you ever had those moments where you just stop whatever you were doing and go "Oh my god, i cannot do this"

Well. My moment now.

I cannot do this.

2011-08-14T13:35:00.002+08:00

Running low on this awesome shit.

Have to go get somemoreeeee :(

Meh. Where else got Crabtree & Evelyn?

Cos my first box was a gift. LOL.

Or awesome Earl Grey?

Maybe i'll try Marks & Spencer.

Can get awesome cookies too :D

Today WILL be an AWESOME day. :)

2011-08-14T00:37:00.001+08:00

It makes me hurt inside..

2011-08-13T22:45:00.005+08:00

Now that it’s all said and done

I can’t believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down

Like an old abandoned house

What you said when you left

Just left me cold and out of breath

I fell too far, was in way too deep

Guess I let you get the best of me

(Chorus)

Well I never saw it coming

I should have started running

A long long time ago..

And I never thought I’d doubt you

I’m better off without you

More than you, more than you know

I’m slowly getting closure

I guess it’s really over

I’m finally gettin’ better

Now I’m picking up the pieces,

spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together

‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through

I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls

Dragged the memories down the hall

Packed your bags and walked away

There was nothing I could say,

And when you slammed the front door shut

A lot of others opened up

So did my eyes so I could see

That you never were the best for me

(Chorus)

Well I never saw it coming

I should have started running

A long long time ago..

And I never thought I’d doubt you

I’m better off without you

More than you, more than you know

I’m slowly getting closure

I guess it’s really over

I’m finally gettin’ better

Now I’m picking up the pieces,

spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together

‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through

I got over you

Well I never saw it coming

I should have started running

A long, long time agooo

And I never thought I’d doubt you

I’m better off without you

More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over

I'm finally getting better

And now I'm picking up the pieces,

spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together

Well, I'm putting my heart back together

'Cause I got over you and I got over you

And I got over you

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through

I got over you

And I got over you

The day I thought I’d never get through

I got over you…

Over You

Chris Daughtry

2011-08-12T22:46:00.001+08:00

2011-08-12T15:52:00.000+08:00

2011-08-12T14:57:00.003+08:00

Feeling to puke provoked psychologically is back.

Just great.

When i say i forgive, it doesn't mean im ready to be friends or talk to you normally yet.

You gotta stop expecting so much,

I have put up a strong enough front already.

Talked to people about it.

Too much..

But i will make it out on my own

2011-08-11T22:36:00.007+08:00

I know i am done with the forgiveness part.

Makes me feel alot better inside too.

But now comes the next step,

Trying to smoothen the rough edges.

It's not gonna be easy, again.

It's gonna take some time and adjustment.

It's gonna take alot of loving grace when it comes to dealing with the occassional flashbacks and horrible imaginations.

It's gonna be a while..

I really have no idea why i keep wanting to vomit when i have the emo moments.

Maybe the thoughts are really too disturbing.

Won't mind taking someone on a tour of my mind.

Maybe they'll feel the nauseating sickness too.

Sigh.

One thing at a time.

***

Oh and i watched Horrible Bosses and Captain America.

I like Horrible Bosses!

Jennifer Aniston is so HAWTTT

Even though she's old.

Lol, in the movie she was this maneatter of a boss who keeps sexually harassing the male lead, who was about to get married.

There was this line he said but i forgot exactly what it is,

something about wanting to get married and be a wonderful husband or something.

I know YOU GUYS will be thinking,

'oh you think guys in real life will really turn down a free meal when its at their doorstep blahblahblah' and then proceed to 'its just a movie, guys in reality dig whores, especially free ones'

BUT i really believe otherwise.

I really believe not all guys are like that.

I believe that guys like Dale, in the movie exist too.

BUT girls should really do some tab checking too lah.

The necessary measures, not the possessive kind (eg. forbidding him from hanging out with female friends)

Anyway, i know trust worthy guys exist.

I just need to wait for God to introduce us. :)

Oh and Captain A was okay.

Humor was pretty good, damsel wasn't in distress, and i like the ending hadn't have that typical predictable hero&damsel forever after happily together thing.

I don't believe in that bullshit. Just makes me want to throw popcorn lor.

So yeah. But the script could have been better :)

Oh my, what a random crappy update.

2011-08-10T00:08:00.004+08:00

Hey world!

New blogskin, new life.

Next thing i want to do would be to dye my hair a nice red, and paint my nails this...

...

Cool huh?

Already halfway there with the black.

Just needa spam the glitter :)

***

I know it won't be easy, but there has to be a first step in everything.

It was not easy for me to even break myself from the chains that bind me forever in the principles i hold towards certain things in life..

But hey, if God asks of me to do something,

no matter how tough it will look,

I just gotta try.

You just gotta try.

He will never harm You, or con you into making a mistake.

Even though i have forgiven, it is still nevertheless hard to come to terms.

It still hurts.. It still will..

Who knows how long, but at least there's a positive sign,.

I'm not already facing this with pure anger and disappointment.

That to me, is a very important thing already,

because the me in the past never forgives..

I hope all this, everything won't be in vain.

That is my main concern.

If i was meant to be a vessel, a tool,

let me be..

I prayed for this my entire life,

to be useful to Him, as well as to become a stronger better person.

If this is how it is, i'll just have to accept it and know He has better things planned for all involved..

I hope you remember always, what i have told you.

I know all these may sound cheesy but it is true, from His word.

There is a reason i don't want you to make all the mistakes you made, old or new.

Everything I never wanted you to do, was everything He never wanted you to do.

It was everything you needed to see that you needed to change.

Of course this isn't just about you,

your failure was my trial as well.

We both learnt.

I am determined to learn well and continue to be more gracious at heart in the art of forgiving.

I hope you will be determined in the ways He wants you to change as well.

This one lesson sparks a renewal in ourselves.

I really hope you can see that.

I really hope you remember as painful as everything turned out,

that you would not let anything like this happen to yourself again..

Had the most awesome prayer session today with the 2 people whose opinions i most cherish religiously speaking.

I pray i will have the strength to carry on in the most positive light.

Be transformed inside out.

Amen.

♥

2011-08-07T21:57:00.004+08:00

CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE CHEATING? by Kevin Chappell, Ebony Magazine

CHEAP red lipstick on his bleached white collar finally blew his cover. Another man's belt under her couch finally put an end to her sneaky game of sexcapades. In the high-stakes world of undercover lovers, where creeping is king and self-gratification is the order of the day, one slip-up is all it takes to blow a cover and end a relationship.

Of course, many cheaters never have to fess up to their scurrilous actions, and the mere suspicion of being a cheat doesn't mean much. But for the ones who get caught committing the sinister act--when the cheater's worst nightmare comes true--the ramifications are earthshaking. "The trust is gone, completely gone," says Michael Baisden, relationship counselor and author of Never Satisfied: How and Why Men Cheat. "And trust is the most important thing in a relationship."

Relationship experts estimate three out of every four men in a committed relationship cheat, and about one-half of women. If these numbers are to be believed, it means that the majority of people in relationships have cheated.

It's been said that the only thing worse than cheating is getting caught cheating. Because unlike anything else, cheating is perhaps the most personally demoralizing thing one person can do to another person. Try as a cheater might, once the other person has the unarguable, undeniable, don't-say-nothing-cause-you're busted goods, there's nothing that can be done to patch things up, make things better, turn back the hands of time. Cheating can't be justified away; it can't be reasoned away; it can't be ignored or forgiven.

Or can it? Can someone who has been caught giving in to temptation be given a second chance, be trusted to do right in the future?

Maybe and maybe not. It all depends on the cheater, the cheated on, and the type of cheating that was committed. Experts say there are many underlying reasons people cheat. The most common include flaws with a person's ego, or low security and/or maturity level. But sometimes it simply boils down to opportunity.

Baisden says a relationship can survive cheating "but it's not likely." He says a man and a woman are more likely to remain together if the indiscretion was a spur-of-the-moment, one-time "fling" rather than a lengthy affair. "If there's been lying and concealing going on, with the person having had time to think about his or her actions and continues to cheat anyway, then there's more of a chance that the relationship will end than if it was a one-time thing that happened in the heat of the moment."

Audrey B. Chapman, a family and relationship counselor in the Washington, D.C.-area agrees, adding that cheating definitely has degrees of severity attached to it. "The habitual cheater has a problem," Chapman says. "In general, it's an addition and is more related to their need to be dependent on others to feel okay. It's a chronic dependence, a constant need for affirmation, on the same level of people who are addicted gamblers, alcoholics, people on drugs."

Whether or not a relationship can survive cheating also depends on who did the cheating. Baisden says if a man cheats, there's a chance he will be forgiven, but if a woman gets caught, "it's definitely over," Baisden says, "because that is a direct assault on his manhood, and he wants no part of that; he will not want to have anything to do with that woman."

Experts say many women cheat because they are looking to reinforce that they are desirable and still attractive. Others do it because their husbands or boyfriends are lousy at making them feel passionate.

For cheating men, there is usually a sense that something is missing in the relationship or in them. Sometimes it's that they don't feel there is enough passion in the relationship. Other times it's a feeling that his partner is not available to him, or that his partner doesn't take time to listen to him. Then he meets the other woman and she "becomes this person who is sort of like a surrogate wife-therapist," Chapman says, "because she listens to all the problems, and why the marriage is so miserable and what happened."

Chapman tells the story of a couple in their upper 40s in which the woman spent most of her time and energy on the road for her job. "The marriage was her second thought. Her husband came into play only after she had taken care of all of her job interests," she says. "Her husband was as loyal as he could be, but felt he was second place in the marriage, like he was an afterthought more or less. She felt that as long as she kept the house clean and neat and did the meals when she was there, and showed up for all of the more important family affairs, she was doing her job. He didn't feel that way. He felt neglected, unattended to, unloved. So he ultimately had an affair."

So why isn't cheating automatic grounds for breaking up? Experts say the reasons are as different as men and women. While a man's ego most times will not allow him to remain with a cheating woman, females traditionally have been more inclined to tolerate their man's scurrilous ways. For some men, this is their go-ahead to commit infidelity.

In my opinion, there can be only one common denominator for such universal tolerance, and that is fear, more precisely, the woman's fear of being alone," Baisden says. "This paralyzing dread of waking up to an empty bed, and growing old without a mate is all the leverage the cheating man will need to take complete control and full advantage of his relationship. He has predetermined there will be no serious repercussions for his actions."

But even when it is clear that cheating will not be tolerated, that is no assurance that it will not happen again. Experts say it is a misconception that cheaters can simply turn on and oft their creeping ways at the snap of a finger. For many, cheating is an addiction, and the behavior is usually learned by years of watching either cheating parents or friends who are morally bankrupt. "Those who have witnessed years of negative examples aren't as easily deprogramed ...," Baisden says. "They are by-products of their families and environment and this is at the root of who and what they are. As the saying goes, `The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.'"

But in the end, whether or not a relationship can survive cheating ultimately depends on the two people involved. Counseling, prayer and heart-to-heart talks can help, but facing it head-on is the only true way to solve the problem.

In the ruthless game of cheating, there are no romantic conclusions or happy endings, only rude awakenings and hard lessons ...," Baisden says. "Infidelity is not a feeble condition which simply fades away like a headache or the common cold. It is a potent disease, which will resurface over and over again until someone puts an end to it, once and for all."

Taken from: http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/article_view/empower/91/

Written by Kevin Chappell

2011-08-07T21:22:00.001+08:00

Bacardi green tea.

2011-08-07T21:10:00.001+08:00

Shit.. Trying really hard, but at a mere instance of a mention, a look, i start to boil again.

I shouldn't have gone searching.

Trying really hard.

God help me get pass this..

2011-08-07T18:39:00.002+08:00

Had a long quiet time with God.

I don't know if i can do what You want me to do.

It is by far, and will be the hardest thing You have set me to.

Will everything be better off if I did this?

How do i take the first step?

I just gotta trust You right?

Right.

It is sosoososososoosososo incredibly hard.

But i will trust in You and go ahead.

2011-08-06T22:12:00.000+08:00

no self control at all..

just won my first bet.

2011-08-06T20:44:00.006+08:00

Today is the worst day ever.

Can't keep anything out of my head.

Can't fight back anything.

It was all so very useless..

It's so easy for you to put everything aside and move on.

Just bury your head in work, in games, in hanging out, and move your arse on.

So much easier it all seems fucking unfair to me again.

Today was incredible.

I start to look at men and women differently.

Every time i see a hot piece of slut, i think, 'now would you wanna do her?'

Every time i remember all the apologies you attempt to make,

all the drama you made,

all the gimmicks you came up with to get my attention,

i would think how you NEVER felt sorry for it when you did it and kept it from me for a good 1 month? Or 2? Correct me.

Which leads me to wonder, how many times you actually did it, since 'whats done is done' seems like sucha easy reason to give.

And then which concludes to me that you would never ever ever ever ever in EVER feel sorry for what you did/s till the VERY MOMENT God revealed the truth to me.

It's a miracle really.

I NEVER EVER checked your fb messages before.

Don't know why i did that night.

God must have felt really irked that He surgically remove you from my life.

You would ruin my life if you continued to stay.

Does it hurt to know this could possibly be His reason? :)

With all the nonsense you used to tell me.

How you don't believe in cheating and would hate me for it if i did it to you.

With all the junk promises of not doing things i don't want you to do when I LET YOU go to bangkok.

Bet you would go there for a slut fest.

Seriously, think im the only stupid girlfriend in the world who would allow you to go to bangkok with a group of guys.

Yeah i trusted you THAT MUCH.

Bet all you felt was satisfied and CAN'T WAIT FOR A JUMPING OPPORTUNITY AGAIN HUH!

You're so ugly inside to out you know that?

Feel like rewinding to the past and just flip you the finger.

Bet you thought of going back to do shit whenever you remember it is something I WOULD NEVER GIVE YOU.

Bet that's the reason.

And give me all your hard earned money for what?

I'll throw it back in your face.

Or this..

Anyone watched the movie "He's just not that into you?"

There was this scene when one of the female leads found out that her husband was a lying smoker & cheating fucktard.

So she messed up, she cried and behaved just like me.

But she just packed up her stuff and left.

Before she left, she bought a carton of cigarettes and placed a note saying "knock yourself out".

Yeah so i'll use the money, buy you all the cigarettes and sluts in the world and den i'll put a post it note saying that.

Cool huh.

Or maybe i'll put "knock yourselves out"

Know you like sharing.

And only with your FAVOURITE guy in the world.

Everybody's right.

What you doing hanging out with the wrong people.

People who think that all girls are an easy target.

Thinking about you 2 making the weird glances and the fucktard giving you the smug look whenever you guys brought up a topic about sleeping around or about her.

SO FUCKING GROSSED OUT YOU KNOW.

I AM.

Grossing the shit out of me.

Tsktsktsk..

Wonder what you guys have in common to talk about.

It's so gross...

How did this happen to me???

God i know you made everyone.

And you will not let us handle something we cannot.

Maybe i can handle this kinda shit better than anyone.

Maybe you created me to deal with shit people and make them become non-shit people.

But don't You think it is a bit unfair??

At the expense of my life my happiness??

Do You understand that a part in me breaks every time these haunting thoughts come back for a revisit??

Can You really see my pain??

I know i said i will never kill myself or harm myself because i belong to You and this body belongs to You.

But please don't do this to me.

It killing me so bad.

I am only human.

No matter how much strength You give me to face the day,

You cannot blank out all the memories unless you really want to.

Like maybe if i fell into a coma or something.

It's not fair...

In the end You're just gonna forgive all these rotten people,

so why still let me go around bumping into them??

You really think too highly of me..

I really cannot take this.

Someday i am gonna go up there and ask You all the questions which answers i can never get now..

Someday i am gonna sit by You and listen to all Your reasons..

It is gonna be interesting..

I understand why guys will be guys with guys now.

Guys are all different,

when they're with their friends they're different,

when they're with you, they're different.

When its time to face the world,

they try to look sorry and make up for their mistakes,

when it is time to face their friends,

they let out their true feelings.

They start finding your faults and discounting from what already happen.

They tell their guy friends things you never did for them,

and somewhere around it, it becomes like you had a part to play for whatever happened in the end..

Thought too much.

So emotionally and mentally drained.

I tell people not to worry about me,

cos it is very hard for me to cause self hurt to myself or stop eating because eating is the happiest thing to me.

Didn't even feel like eating today.

Felt like vomiting from thinking all these possibilities and reasons.

***

Dearest Lord and Savior,

Do You know i'm swallowing all my tears every day every time you let shit enter my life?

Do You know i'm slowly losing faith?

Do You know i'm still fighting my inner ghosts and demons?

Do You know i felt so relieved because finally, i thought You gave me someone who understands my inner struggles as a person?

Do You know how much You crushed me by revealing the truth?

Do You know how cheated i felt?

Do You know how much scarier each day becomes when night arrives?

Do You know i am weaker in the night?

You know every strand of hair on my head,

but do You know every scar in my heart?

How many of which are still bleeding.

I know i shouldn't say this,

but i feel like You don't..

How can You let this happen to me and just tell me everything You let happen happens for a reason, and that i will find out SOON.

Do You know how ambiguous is the word soon??

Can You feel that i might not have everything to make it pass to SOON?

Can You feel my lost, my defeat, my agony?

Why aren't You here to wipe my tears away?

Where is Your miraculous power of healing?

Is it descending over me?

Are You going to do something about me?

Are You going to do something about this pain?

I really have too many questions for You,

I feel very tired..

I feel very nothing..

2011-08-05T12:04:00.004+08:00

Each day, it is getting worst.

I don't know what to do.

What to say..

Stop telling people you love me.

I really can't feel anything anymore.

It is not that i can't trust people anymore.

I just can't trust you.

Judging from all you have done,

analyzing all your course of action,

you've never been sorry and you never will be.

I don't know how you find it in you to commit all these wrongs.

I don't know why i keep bumping into such people..

People i can't explain..

Explain in the world would God create people like these??

Just come clean, stop hiding your true self..

Tell me everything i thought about you now is true..

Exactly how it looked like that Sunday night,

people hugging me and dropping tears all over me as i told them every single thing on my heart......

So broken.

You know what pains me the most?

That you still tried to cover up at the last minute.

I cried the hardest that same day before i met them.

I just don't understand why God would think i would be able to handle this..

I really cannot.

This is gonna bug me forever.

I'm gonna let the anger eat me up inside,

and the sadness consume whatever is left of me.

I'm gonna die bitter.

Maybe cancer or something.

I don't feel like i have anything anymore.

You took it all out of me.

I can't find myself..

Father bring me Home..

2011-08-04T23:20:00.000+08:00

Every Night..

2011-08-04T22:03:00.002+08:00

You killed me.

I will never forgive you in a long time.

And even if i do, i will never forget this.

I made a bet.

Let's see if what i predicted will come true in time to come.

Feel so disgusted.

I want vomit.

2011-08-04T18:47:00.003+08:00

Today's raging cycle lasted longer than usual.

Felt more intense too.

Feel like tearing my heart out and slurring vulgarities at anyone.

So fucking angry.

You want to talk to me now cuz you miss me, you can't deal with the loneliness.

You want to meet with me and talk, just so to make yourself feel better.

Closure? You need the closure. Yes much much more than i do.

Frankly, i don't know if i want to give it to you.

Gave you too much you never treasured.

My best gift to you was me.

Therefore the last gift i would want to give you now, is me.

Really don't know.

Some people keep telling me it'll help me.

But really, how would it help?

You want to lessen my pain just to make you feel better,

and feel whatever connection you can get to me.

Lessen my pain or yours?

Ask yourselves deep deep down.

And what exactly do you have that would DEFINITELY make me happier now?

Another one of your sugar coated lies?

Yeah it might make me happier.

You always had your way with the ignorance part.

Its the best thing about you.

Lying to me, covering up the truth so i won't suffer.

Why not try not to commit wrongs instead?

Oh. Yeah. I said that already.

You never listened again.

2011-08-04T17:42:00.001+08:00

Heart so fucking heavy..

2011-08-04T14:36:00.002+08:00

I let this happen to myself.

I am not responsible.

还是学不乖..

Sorry Xue Hui..

2011-08-04T14:24:00.001+08:00

2011-08-04T00:56:00.001+08:00

don't think

2011-08-03T23:07:00.002+08:00

I didn't even have the heart to read every detail of your fb messages.

It is just too painful..

Forcing every ~~dirty~~ thing out of my head.

I must succeed task 1.

2011-08-03T22:17:00.001+08:00

Someday I am going to die of all these sadness accumulated in my heart..

2011-08-03T21:47:00.005+08:00

SUCK IT UP XUE HUI, SUCK IT UP.

SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON.

Wondered if i should go watch transformers alone.

Or with someone.

But then i realized i can do neither.

Can't even stomach all the silly romantic moments watching friends.

Forwarded every one of them.

Skipped the lovey dovey episodes.

Looked away when they are about to kiss.

What if they showed those moments on transformers?

Am i going to run to the bathroom and hurl?

Can't stomach all these anymore..

Dear God.

What now?

2011-08-02T21:34:00.004+08:00

The nights and the mornings are the hardest part.

I don't know how long this is gonna go on.

I don't feel good.

Every night my heart is broken again.

And every morning i wake up to fix the pieces.

Harder than i thought.

Only after this did i realized how much of my heart i had already placed on the gambling table.

Now that i lost, i can't get anything back.

I am a bankrupt.

A very pathetic bankrupt..

2011-08-02T12:27:00.002+08:00

I don't believe in being overly possessive.

After this, i still don't believe in keeping tabs of someone.

I just gotta find someone who feels the same way.

Someone whom i can place complete trust in.

Someone who can bring out the best in me as i will him.

2011-08-02T10:58:00.002+08:00

you thought she was fucking stupid.

well, so was i.

you are the clear winner.

without a doubt.

I can never trust you again.

no matter how much you say you love me.

I can never trust a guy half as much as i already do anymore.

All because of you.

And if your/our friends think that it was unfair in anyway,

let me tell you,

i care..

i am fucking weak to comments about myself.

But i am also fucking defensive both physically and emotionally.

I'll hit back hard, so please don't be stupid.

Unless they know the whole truth,

unless they were there last night with me, hurdled up with all my friends, crying along with me,

then it isn't your place to judge.

You don't even know me.

You much less knew him.

I know you are a great manipulator.

But i am leaving this with God.

I can't control what people will think of me.

If i was difficult, if i wasn't worth it.

So be it.

They can't see because they don't treasure a relationship like i did..

Build yourself up by destroying me.

Put up a brave front but miss me.

I won't know if any of it will be true anyway..

Maybe in time to come, i will start praying for your salvation.

But in the meantime, it is time to save myself..

2011-08-01T17:51:00.000+08:00

kill me

2011-08-01T16:54:00.002+08:00

Deep dark hole in my heart.

I feel so hollow.

I can't piece it together.

Sitting at the busstop waiting for my sister yesterday was an experience.

You don't understand how scared i was of seeing you.

I am not ready to meet a monster.

I can't look at you anymore. I can't accept that people can be shapeshifters.

The first wail when you confessed was the most accurate cry from my heart.

I was shaken.

I cannot believe shit happened to me, again.

For 1 whole hour i couldn't tell my sister anything.

Anything but 'i am scared'.

It isn't just the disgust.

It was also the ultimate fear of meeting a monster that had been in my companionship for a year..

It was all God intended.

I should have seen it from the start.

There was a reason you broke you leg and had to be in the other class.

He knew what was coming.

He knew i had been praying for it my entire life.

Someone right for me.

Obvious intervention when i need it, because my weakness lies in being too dense to hear Him sometimes.

I prayed for a invisible hand to steer my fate.

Because i am weak to the devil's playing.

I thank God for not letting me handle something i cannot.

Like discovering it 7 years later which was highly possible for a fucktard like you.

I thank God for placing me in the right time.

Placing me on a faster healing route towards the future, without having to face the disappointment of a person on a daily basis

I thank God for my heart

That even though i know i am a vengeful person, that i was mirrored in His image, to not commit wrongs to others, that others would do to me.

On a roller-coaster of emotions right now.

I thought i was on the way of forgetting.

But then i just imagine the betrayal and go all wailing again.

Then i start to feel fucking angry and putting fuck everywhere in whatever i write.

I don't know how long this is gonna take..

But yeah, thanks for screwing my life up so bad.

Guess i got too decent for you.

Sluts are the best.

Rock on and succeed in your pursue of whatever it is that you do?

Lol. I won't know, hey im not a slut.

2011-08-01T13:05:00.001+08:00

I. Can't. See. You. Right. Now.

My heart is breaking apart.

I fear i will never be able to fix it this time..

2011-07-31T15:47:00.006+08:00

Clearing all the unnecessary things in my life.Started from my phone.

Came across our first picture together.

We have come a long way.

But we meant nothing

I meant nothing

and you will eventually mean nothing.

Thanks for the memories

and most of all, the pain

Thank God for this lesson

although i am very tired from being placed at the receiving end of bullshits dealt from the wrong relationships

I promise i won't be one of those stupid girls who turn back

I promise i will never settle for second best

Now that i know you're not it

I won't be staying

Always thought i will be the one to break your heart.

But who knew.

Should have shut my ears to your plea when it all began,

and just stomp on your esteem and person altogether.

I have done my part to conceal myself from meeting people i will potentially harm.

In any case that i cannot handle because i know i can't

Not right now. I know i am vengeful.

So if any of you choose to walk towards me thinking you can fix whatever you have done me wrong,

i can only say i won't be sorry for whatever the circumstances are following your action to take a step.

I need time.

Then again, i just said it.

I am a vengeful person. Forgiveness won't come easy.

***

FUCK YOU

Some people don't deserve a second chance.

Giving them a second chance is like giving them another opportunity to commit a lie again.

Fucking angry with myself

Why did i have to be an angel and listen to someone's sob tales and give them a second chance in a life no one gave them.

To think they will reciprocate and fucking remember the gift of trust and companionship you gave them.

Why do i ALWAYS have to be so fucking weak and listen to people who might not give a fuck in the end for how i have helped them?

You know why?

Because no one else that i have helped up has pushed me down the way you did.

Yeah. That's why i didn't give up on you.

Who knew.

Who knew you weren't the hurt soul sent by God.

Who knew it was the devil's playing, again..

What a transition.. Sadness to angry post.

Nice.

See, no one knows the human's heart.

2011-07-30T22:41:00.002+08:00

True thing.

But you know something about me?

I won't be around with tears in my eyes when it hits me the second time.

With a heart born out of His strength, i will walk away

2011-07-26T17:50:00.003+08:00

LOVELOVELOVE!

Can't can't can't, W A A A I T to be over all this junk!

~~HOLIDAYS~~ FREEDOM COME TO MUMMAYYY :D

♥

HEARTSHAPE!!

2011-07-23T13:29:00.004+08:00

Should I feel sorry that I am not what the world expected me to be?

***

Oh well.

Days where you feel like you're God's cruel joke on Himself..

2011-07-16T21:04:00.002+08:00

You know those days when you just can't figure out who you really are?

Like there are just too many facades of you, yourself.

Yeah those days really DRIVE ME CRAZY.

Whenever you try to be someone for everyone.

And everytime it is a different person.

Everyday you meet someone new, you turn into a side of yourself you didn't know you have.

You morph and morph but all for what?

You'll just come back feeling like you haven't achieved anything.

And you haven't because, they will never to satisfied.

So, who are you now?

SIGH

I haven't wrote emo shits in A LONG WHILE.

I just feel uncomfortable putting my feelings on display now.

Internship's coming to an end.

Hmm, life has been pretty good so far.

It is officially a year plus long relationship for me. YAY!

I think im REALLY lucky to have you :)

I look at people making mistakes and getting hurt and i think like, gosh they didn't have to go thru all these if they waited it out, wait for the best.

Sure, love is an experiment, afterall, if you don't test waters, you won't get anywhere.

But smart people test wisely.

Losers make repetitive mistakes.

Sigh, why do some people NEVER LEARN?

And cheating is disgusting.

Totally hate cheating liars.

Man, whats up with society's liberal take on relationships?

Or maybe i wasn't open to things like these more yet.

OHOHOH how to end this post!

Gotta see what i can do to my slides and video.

Stay cool people! And stay away from liars!

Somebody should seriously screw their lives up.

2011-06-03T21:15:00.004+08:00

I don't believe in love at first sight.I know this is like so out of the blue to talk about, but yeah I don't.

Saw some quote that went something like this,

"Falling in love should be like Polaroids, instant"

Fairly sweet but makes me twitch.

How does falling in love at an instant happen anyway??

If it does, often we realize it too soon that it is all but an infatuation.

Following which right, I dunno how the phrase "true love needs no reason"

I dunno how that works lah, like how can you fall for someone and not be able to point out what or why about that person that attracts you the most?

THERE HAS TO BE A REASON.

Even the nitty gritty details like her twirling her hair round her pinky, his beautiful smile, the way she reacts to your teasing, the childish side of him you find amusing, so on and on..

Those are all reasons too.

So how can love come without reason?

LOL. I feel like debating with people who think love happens at the snap of fingers, or that fate will do all the work and bring all the signs.

Sighh..

I always believed that God has arranged for each of us, someone to walk with us down that aisle.

BUTTTTT

I always ask myself, how much would God give us to fight for something?

Would he see to everything and make sure all the necessary things happen, so that we can fight for it to our ability and comfort,

Or would he be like,

"I gave you a chance to take a glimpse of your destination, its up to you how you make your path there, all on your own accord. From there on I can't help you"

If its completely rule number 2, then the weaker links will be deaddddd.

Things will NEVER happen till they snap one day and the will to fight for something EVENTUALLY activates itself.

OH MY, it will be a LONGGGGGG road

On a similar topic right,

HOW IS IT THAT OPPOSITES ATTRACT??

Im pretty convinced that this was made up by movie producers to dupe us into thinking that there is a silver of hope in every crush we ever had, even though we know how much in our hearts that things will never work out how you wish they would.

So so cruel,

but even more true :(

So don't be deceived into thinking opposites attract.

It doesn't work out the way movies portray it to be.

The whole idea in reality is pretty ridiculous because it rarely ever hap

pens.

Don't count on it and don't even think you might be the minority.

You might, but who is to say the chances are?

Sighh.. People just continue to risk their hearts and hope so much.

BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS,

WE SHOULD TRUST IN GOD.

I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS,

2 months of internship at the Y has been great so far.

Made many friends and watched XMEN! :D

Wah lau, a bit weird seeing the charming side of prof X.

When he was flirting with the ladies im like envisoning the old dude in the wheelchair from xmen1, 2 ans 3.

LOL. The movie also like alot of bromance xD

Cannot help it but thought of specific people from the office xD

SIANNN

I HOPE THE NEW INTERN COMES.

Then hopefully Yi Yun can stop looking at me like im Jonas.

Kinda bored of blogging...........

Should I just close this hmm?

I wanna watch kung fu panda :(

LOL FUNNY THINGS xD

2011-05-21T14:17:00.005+08:00

Am i not heeding Your advice again?

You know what i wish?

I wish i could get all the important stuff i did wrong in my life, right.

I wish i were happier, i wish i could be happy without trying so hard.

I miss nothing cos nothing has changed, when i look at the giant ass picture.

I still dunno what i want or if i am near what i thought i wanted.

Whatever happens will ALWAYS be for the better.

I believe it will be :)

If you need me to understand, you gotta understand the small points i make and stop disregarding me.

I am not one to work well with people who think they are ENTIRELY right.

2011-05-03T23:29:00.001+08:00

WAH

Why does time pass so fast when i'm doing my slides!

2011-05-02T17:27:00.002+08:00

Dear Heavenly Father

I don't know why it still bothers me..

***

I wish i could take a sneak peak at the future.

Yesterday was great, found out im not a good drinker. LOL. Hehe, which is good, anw i don't drink often, ytd was an exception and a good occasion! :D

MANNNN

I THINK I NEED TO TAKE A PLUNGE

2011-04-16T23:22:00.004+08:00

Just realized i haven't used the com and blogged in awhile.

Most of the time im occupied with internship. Its either that or im busy resting and soaking up whatever spare time i have to chill.

Katy perry's new track E.T is hawttttttttt

Super catchy other than the creepy alien thing she did. Reminded me of the Alejandro video gaga did lor. Scream4 was like cliche ttm. But that is what they are famous for la, and what they started. Rather unexpected cos the motive was lame, but whatever. Courtney Cox looks old and fake with her weird new face. I think im too used to seeing her after watching too much old school friends. Thus im quite convinced she did some sorta lifting somewhere facial wise.

Im like not thinking right now so this blog post makes less sense.

HAHA. Okay im beat. Woke up at 6 on a saturday morning to work cos of the event.

GONNA SLEEP SO WELL TONIGHT

In fact i have been sleeping very well this few weeks since my internship. Too tired i guess from the waking up early and the pressing on at work till 6 and staring at the com.

ANYWAY TODAY WAS PRETTY FUN

I WISH DAYS LIKE THESE NEVER HAVE TO END :(

2011-03-26T14:53:00.004+08:00

Well well, still got about a week till i officially start working. Hmm.. I should just have faith in Him that all will turn out fine according to His plan for me :)

Sigh, i wish it hadn't turn out this way, but i guess it almost certain already. We just have to stay strong and bear with whatever we can. You think you have it worse, but i think i'll have it bad without you too :( Cruel joke, but a smart test of faith. I think we can do it, with love and effort, we will be alright :)

I guess smart people aren't very smart afterall.. Got all that loaded IQ but empty on the EQ. Got the certificates and the career but you lack mannerism. Can't say for sure that thats a balance. But oh well, you'll find out the hard way in life.

ANYWAYS,

LOOK LOOK

LOOOOOOOK!

How cool are those nails! Wish i can do those! :D wicked!

Feel like dyeing my hair again.

Its kinda addictive :D I want copperred next, and maybe with hints of blue at the bottom like this girl!

HAHA! Stu timo thought thats me, like seriouslyyyyyyy??

Its some girl off tumblr, i think the hint of blue is better daring :D

HEHE, shall try ONE DAY!

I guess we're not on the same page yet.

I don't know why either.

When you're ready, you can talk to me

and i'll be there.

I don't believe friendships end like that

not ours.

Things change but they don't end.

***

Monica: I can't believe you tried to cut me out. Why Phoebe, why?

Phoebe: It was right after we were living together and you were driving me crazy, okay? You were really controlling and compulsive and shrill.

Monica: I'm still all those things!

Phoebe: You're also so generous and kind and scrappy!

Monica: (starts smiling) I am scrappy.

Phoebe: Exactly! Look, no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't keep you out of my life. Of all the people I have cut out, you were the only one who ever clawed her way back in.

Monica: It's because I'm scrappy.

Phoebe: Yeah, you are. And I'm so glad that you fought your way back in, because I don't know what I would do without you.

.. :)

2011-03-16T22:51:00.005+08:00

I HATE SMOKERS, PERIOD.

Smokers are stupid people

One, they know its NEVER beneficial at the end of the day, EITHER WAY you look at it, and yet they still do it!

Now, the second reason takes the cake.

Not only do they destroy their insides, they entice other people to join their filthy habit.

Why can't you guys just STOP SMOKING FOR PETE'S SAKE!

And no, loving the someone does not mean you accept disgusting habits like these.

smoking is not something you're born with or develop along the way thru your transformation as a human being

it is a choice, NOT a hobby

the change is not just for me,

the change is for you, and whoever loves you enough demand that change

if no one out of everyone who knows you smoke(who doesn't smoke themselves), tries to stop you, den i guess they don't love you enough to see you not dead.

Or maybe as you like to think it,

they love you for who you are and try not to make you change for what they believe in.

Suit you guys.

it just really gets to me

i don't want to have anyone i love die of cancer because of this

i don't want to have to look at you when you're dead and say,

'Didn't i tell you so'

I love you

I dunno in what way am i not saying this enough through my disagreement with smoking.

And because i love you,

I'll keep trying

people i love

please respond, don't let me down..

2011-03-13T17:30:00.010+08:00

The shopping last week was the best!

Thanks to dad's company's advantages, if not we wont spend ever so much at taka lor.

Had lunch at ShoTeppan, some jap teppan restaurant. Not bad lor. I think the soup set nicer. Sashimi was FRESH! Bought a comfy walking shoe after that!

So comfortable its like walking on a mattress! I am truly amazed!

NICE HOR! :D I like the dusty blue. The color in real life is lighter than this.

Oh. First time i tried sour sally's frozen yogurt and baby i like it! :D

Bought clothes for the wedding dinner, we got them all at LVER at taka.

Got my working heels that are also super comfy. :D

Super nervous for my interview on the 22nd. Hope it goes well!

Had CHOMPCHOMP yesterday with people!

Jia en was the joke xD The roof of the mall was a really good place to gather :D

Teehee should have camp there or sth.

Sigh, all the tsunami and earthquakes making me scared. Like some foreboding call or ominous sign. :/ Suddenly i don't think i was ever open to the idea of death at all.

I used to think i was not afraid of death, but the process dying itself.

Now im not too sure. I wonder, okay so if i past the process of dying, then what? Where would i be? How would it look like? Would my memories still be with me? Or will they all disappear along with me?

I believe in a heaven, a heaven with only one God.

But sometimes the knowledge of how magnificent that place is, how we shouldn't be able to go anywhere near there if it weren't for His love for us on the cross.

I am scared, i won't deny.

Before i was all, oh, if God comes it should be a happy thing.

But then i forgot all the suffering we would have to bear before That.

Well, God save our souls

2011-03-07T00:53:00.003+08:00

I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes

God doesn't make mistakes.

We do.

All this Illuminati shit, the music video really creep me out silly.

I don't know why when i hear her narrate, i think, 'new world order, new world order'

2011-02-23T20:58:00.003+08:00

There's no end to it!

Assignments, exams, internship!

:O !!!

So freaked. How am i gonna do for the interview??

After that, do i get some time to myself first?

(Sad face smiley)

2011-02-19T21:14:00.001+08:00

I get why you don't like me, but its okay, i guess i don't like you too :)